Yesterday, the Epistle was on Ephesians 5:22-33. This is a familiar passage to many who have gone through pre-marital counseling and perhaps even marriage counseling or marriage retreats.

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she rrespects her husband.

I have a confession to make--I have been derelict in my duty as husband for 14 years. I have not been there to defend my wife when members of my family have insulted or attacked her character. As a husband, I am supposed to love my wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. I am supposed to sacrifice myself for her no matter what. When I vowed before God and witnesses that I took her for my wife, I was promising to do just that as I said that I would forsake all others for her.

Only recently have I realized just how much I have truly broken this promise. I have sinned against my wife by not forsaking all others and giving myself up for her. I am now doing as I should have been doing all along. I have no excuse for my behavior. I have been a coward throughout much of my adult life. I like to debate things, but when I am confronted with my own faults, I have found it easier to let my wife or someone else take the blame for my actions.

Now don't let take this next part as my excuse because I have absolutely no excuse for my lack of Christian love towards my wife. I was born with a congenital hypothyroidism. The doctors who originally diagnosed me informed my parents that I would be a cretin because I lacked the iodine-containing hormones which regulate growth and brain function. To read more about this defect go to: http://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/condition=congenitalhypothyroidism. I was born in 1961 and this research was a new thing in medicine. I was six weeks old when I became very sick and my parents took me to several doctors before discovering what my problem was.

It was discovered and treated, but the doctors were skeptical that I would be able to function as a normal human being and that I would find life a continuous challenge. They watched me for three years and determined that I would be normal though I would be a late bloomer in many things. I believe that because of this, my parents did as all parents do when they have "special needs" children, they sheltered me as much as possible. Sheltering a child from harm is a natural reaction for parents with special needs children. One of my nephews has downs syndrome and I know that my sister and her husband do all they can to give him as normal a life as the boy can have, but at the same time they protect him from as much harm as this world can deliver.

My parents sheltered me as well, though I am not mentally challenged. This sheltering has a negative effect in the later years of their growth because it often prohibits the child from being able to fend for himself in social situations. I look back at my childhood and see myself depending way too heavily on my parents to pick me up when I fell. Because of this I never truly took responsibility for the things I did which were harmful because I knew that I could look to my parents to bail me out (kind of like the government with the banks this past year). When my father died, I looked to my Grandfather for the financial bailouts. As I said, I don't consider this an excuse for my behavior over the past 14 years but it helps explain to some degree why I developed certain behaviors in life.

This has become a problem in my marriage because I transferred the behavior of looking to my wife to bail me out of the financial mess I put us into. The other problem I had was that I trusted (wrongly I might add) that I had a safety net beneath me and that after each time my Grandfather bailed us out, I went right back to my previous behavior of spending money foolishly and getting back into debt.

My wife has always been there for me, but I have not been there for her. She has defended me to my own family and to her family. I have not defended her to anyone including last year on vicarage when my vicarage supervisor got 2 inches away from my wife's face to tell her that leaving before the benediction is an affront to God. The truth of the matter was it was an affront to him. I do not believe for one moment that leaving before the benediction offends God. God loves us and sent his son to die for us. Just because someone doesn't hear the benediction doesn't mean that it doesn't cover them. But then my supervisor told her she was overmedicating her children (she left because the ADD meds had worn off and the kids were becoming unruly). He was literally acting like a child in his argument as he stood there spitting while he shouted and then responding to her responses like an arrogant child saying with attitude, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

I was right there watching this whole episode and never butted in to say a word. Had I to live that over again, I would have gladly sacrificed my vicarage for the honor of my wife, but that is neither here nor there as I don't have that opportunity again and it is pointless to focus on it.

I am now finally getting it and realizing my lack of responsibility in my relationship with her. I hope that we can build a proper relationship with her and that the next 14 years don't mirror the first but are instead a reflection of God's work in our relationship. I love Kelly and my daugters J and P. With the help of God, I am and will continue to love them as I should forsaking all others for their protection. Christ is the head of the church and I am the head of this house. I have been given the responsibility of husband and father. I am the steward of my household and answer only to them and God.

If you are a parent with a child who has congenital hypothyroidism, don't shelter them from responsibility they need to take in their lives so that they can face those challenges that come upon them with integrity.

I will continue to write here about these things that I am being challenged with of late including school when it begins in two weeks.

I ask my Lord and God to grant me forgiveness for the the cowardice and for not owning up to my responsibility until now. He is merciful to forgive and to help me live as a faithful man in Christ.